Side effects..

I wonder whats going on today...whats happened...

ONE: Ive missed three days of the thyroid med I am on...grumbles but tomorrow am back on it, thank goodness as its made me feel dizzy and ill not having been on it.

TWO: I'm craving sugar...the metformin is meant to take care of that..but there is nothing I want more than a Cadbury Cream egg right now..in fact like 8 of them..nom nom nom...however it can not be.

Starting another new med...antibiotic one time deal on Sunday..woohoo..and I must get on new vitamins..I did however work out at two separate gym classes last week and doing the same this week (uping it from one gym class and a wii exercise program and walking everyday) As well as a 5 km walk yesterday. Ryan thinks I'm pushing it...funny I don't think I'm doing enough.

Side effects...other then the pain I have mentioned I think before..which doesn't seem to faze my dr. But anyhow. My skin sucks...I don't know which med is doing it but it sucks..Ive never had a problem with acne..EVER...not as a teen not ever..people hated me for that and now...ugh...HATE IT. I don't know what to do...my Noxzema battle I hope kicks in soon!!!!

until next time..

Working out...

The before me, the one before January first of this year believed in swimming, fun v-ball games, off road Mt. biking and walking...and that was that...Jogging is beyond my comprehension...it baffles my brain as to why ANYONE puts themselves threw that crazy torture...and I might add that hasn't changed.

The now me..I have 6 days of "gym" activities (pool and classes) in my agenda, on top of walking a minimum of a hour a day if not more. I love the Aqua Zumba I'm in though my "pushing off" and not "stepping" is a problem..too many people in one little area of the pool someone is bound to be stuck treading into the deep end. Besides the point. Tonight I ventured into a sweaty gross work out of dance...sigh...I hate to sweat...its gross and I hate the feeling and the flushed tomato red my face gets when I'm working out..but this want that bad as they keep the lights off in the room, pretty awesome actually...but geez louise...my every things hurt! holy cow batman!!!

Tomorrow is Aqua Zumba..next week the same two things again until I introduce the carido dance class next month I think. May 6th there is a breast cancer fundraiser, three hours of "The grove" which is what I did tonight, Zumba and the cardio Dance...the old me would have shrugged at that and walked away...this new psycho me really wants to go take part..

Ill never be a runner, and I don't like Yoga or get it..But Step aerobic classes also on the horizon..things are started to look different.

14.3 lbs down and the genius diet Dr man believes its more like 30lbs of fat down because of the muscel gain it doesn't read the same. Three inches down..I need a new bathing suit..

H.

Sometimes it comes in a package you dont expect.

Title says it all... I want a baby in a diaper who needs me, NEEDS me to hold it, feed it, care and love it..I want a baby to dress and walk and love...I want a baby who can wear brown shoes with pink circles on them (shout out to Baby K) ;) But at the same time..the most important above all that...I want to be called "Mum" I want to hear it cross the lips of someone who means it not by a slip of the tounge, not by a "lets pretend your the mum". I want to hear it and feel it and hold it close..bottle it up and never let it go. And it doesnt matter if its a baby who learns or a child who needs it and grows it..and says it...I need to have a family..and its going to happen..and in any form or shape or..mix, I will have my dream. H.

Bad Dr. Day..

From now on we do not see the Fertility dr and the diet dr on the same day! New rule that's it that's all. So it started with the awful tests. I hate internal ultra sounds..hate hate hate..then to find out 45min later that the actual dr has been lying to me and I don't have to do them on the certain day they have been telling me I did..which is awkward and gross and ugh.. Then the ultra sound tech who was awesome. Told me what was what..first time ever I had someone who took the time to care and put it out there and tell me what the dark splotches were and why. More comfortable with her than the last few who have done it. Then up to Dr S, he means well I know he does, but he just DOESN'T get it. If I tell you I am in pain bad enough to make me throw up, to cry and almost go to the hospital that's big for me...big. But nothing from him. I want to say "excuse me dr. S here have my uterus and you F'n deal with not being able to move at all for a day or two"..not a reaction of "well we could put you on the birth control pill"...WTF..uhhh defeating the purpose who..jerk. But he isn't..he is nice..just doesn't get it. Off to the diet dr...yay for that one too. I'm already emotional and sad and frustrated..then I break down there with a great woman I like who helps me get back into a better mind set and onto the new week. Speaking of..5 weeks down 14lbs lost..WOOHOOOO! I'm going to say in a year I'm going to be a much different person if it keeps going like this. ok going to hide in bed...need to get over the day.

fell off the wagon.

I have to admit..I am a emotional eater..this weekend brings some hard times to our family..and I ate a few carbs and some sugars...But as I did it I caught myself..and stopped..so kinda bad kinda good..and at least Im admitting it..means a bike ride AND zumba tomorrow..no slacking..keep my mind busy too. H

Better week?

This week started off slow. Then I felt the need to dig my heels in and not make the weekend come at all. All round yet again life 100 Hillary 2. However. Diet dr this week went another good round. I have deeply figured out I do NOT like Greek yogurt and as I got the Costco size lot..another three days of it and then back to my blue label..just cant do it. yick! Made two new dinners this week..shrimp needs tweaking for sure from the recipe. Chicken will be good (Sunday Dinner). Meds..changing over to prenatal drugs this week. I'm almost out of the metformin but am hopping it all lasts till the next appointment in April. Mood..better than last week but dreading this weekend. Realized a handful of friends is all one needs and everyone else really aren't friends at all. Also be careful of who you trust..because rarely does anyone have your back totally and the few and far between are actually the ones who care. That's my deep thoughts...maybe they'll change over this weekend...right now..I'm just annoyed. H.

This Week.

This week has been less than stellar. I am always struck by peoples comments about the "emotional roller coaster" of weight loss or the better yet - as I cant do anything to help or change it - "the meds are making you feel this way".

Really this week has just been shit. I can say this, its my blog and its my ongoing journey and record of that journey so I can say that. So Ive been pretty emotional, yes, tears WAY yes, moody yup, snappy sure have. Why I don't know.

I know its been a week of memories from a year ago at this time...time of great loss...anniversaries of that ache in my heart..can I blame that...dunno...do I know its going to be a kinda sucky two weeks coming...probably..BUT..is it the cause..don't think so..really?

So back to it..I'm in pain..it doesn't seem to be taken seriously or at all abnormally for my dr..though I am bringing it up again in April when I go..its annoying and sometimes leaves me almost in tears. Tonight I was in so much pain I thought I was going to hurl.

So its been a week of crying, frustration, annoyance...and I ate a piece of a bread stick..small like a ounce worth of bread tonight...when I eat things which aren't on the list I get REALLY pissed off and mad at myself. Only made worse by it making me feel really ill by eating whatever it is I haven't had in a month or two now...so add ill on top of pain and you get really mad me.

Just frig it all. "its all worth it in the end" at first that mattered..I'm already doubting there is a worth it part for me...

time will tell..tomorrow is a new day..next week a new week...and on it goes..

H.

Walking Medicine Cabnet..

I'm sure if you listen closely you can hear a rattling noise when I walk...its all the drugs that are inside me..doing wonderful things to my insides apparently...really I wonder..because I have doubts some days.

So here it is..I don't take drugs, I don't do drugs, Ive never done drugs..not even those trial runs most take in high school with a group of friends..not me. I'm aghast at friends who confess their drug use..it baffles my brain. I suffer migraines, I have pills for that, I only take when its the worst of the worst..I may take a Tylenol or Advil but not..pills, not vitamins not..god only knows what.

So now..in a day I take 6 different pills 14 days a month and 5 the other. All together in a normal day its 10 or 11. I have to rattle somewhere someone with great hearing can hear it.

I know SOME but am not a medical person so don't know it all about what they are meant to be doing in there where I cant see them. So here it is..

Metformin. Four a day with food. Some women can get really really ill on this drug. Nauseated, Uncontrollable Bathroom visits and the like. A family member of mine with others she knows has been hospitalized because of it. For me, my experience has been good, nauseous for the first three days, vomit once on day four and then fine..saying this the last four days at four a day I'm feeling ill. What its meant to do..control your insulin, evening out hormones, in some (more than a handful) it enables women to lose a lot of weight, it also is NOT used as a fertility drug but has been known to enable women to get pregnant who are on it. Ive been on it for almost two months.

Folic Acid. One a day at bed time. The use to prevent neurological problems and disabilities in babies as they develop in the womb. (Spinobifida is one of the main ones) Every women trying to conceive or not of child barring age or having sexual intercourse should be taking it just in case they become pregnant.

Synthroid. A thyroid medication to even out ones thyroid levels. Mine are not bad at all, in fact only off by .2% but the Dr. I am seeing would like to try and make it normal in case its triggering weight issues. Side effects for me none..and I'm not sure Ive heard of any.

Flax Seed. Ugh..used to boost up the healthiness of your food and speed up your metabolism. Found in seed form its harder to digest whole as your stomach cant break threw the outer casing of it. Found in powder to sprinkle on your food, recommendations very but the common one Ive heard is 2 to 3 tbs a day sprinkled on your food. Major health benefits. I take it in pill form twice a day though it should be three I just cant bare to swallow anymore pills.

MultiSure. A women's multi vitamin. Recommended by a book I read on PCOS and when I asked about it to my Fertility Dr. he said it would be a good idea too. From all the other things going in why not! It is meant to even things out. In a week this will switch to Materna the pregnancy vitamin - no not because I am announcing anything but because its wise to have those things built up in your system.

Prometrium. The progesterone hormone I don't produce naturally because of the PCOS. I hate this one. I take it the first 14 days of a month to force myself to do what a woman's body does because mine does not do it naturally. I makes me cry, it makes me feel huge and bloated, it makes me feel twinges of pain. And it hasn't worked like its "meant" to yet so we will see what the next round brings.

Those are the drugs, Lets not forget about the migraines if I have one and pills needed for that. BLAH!

I have to rattle..no way I cant as I see it. BUT if it works in the end...if it all pays off in the end..then..really...it will be worth it...it has to be worth it..

How it ALL came to be

The first, the back ground of the Journey..

6 years ago we decided it was time for us to "Try and Conceive" (TTC) at this point one thinks its all things easy. You go off any birth control methods your using and if your lucky you get pregnant on the first go..if not within a few short months..

Our months turned into a year, two years...frustration..anger..annyoance...STRESS. And a secret..a big one you keep from people because you don't want to feel like something is "wrong" with you, with you and your relationship or in your life. Our friends get pregnant, have showers, post pictures, have the little bundles of joy...and more and more pictures.

At this point, after say, ohhh..the tenth friend within a year comes to tell you they are having a baby and your three years in - fake smiling at this point, pretending to be overjoyed..and nothing..things start to wear on you. The secret its like a big shadow in your heart, you feel like you don't work, something isn't right in you..something is broken? But for a women to admit that to first herself - that MAYBE something isn't womanly right, then to her partner, family...friends..is something only someone who lives it can relate to.

Three year mark comes, almost to the day. I go to a new Family doctor, a women who turns out to be only a few months younger than myself..good, relationship..same stage of life. This is looking up. She says after talking to me for 45min's she has a idea of whats going on..what the problem most likely is. And orders some tests.

A week and a half later your sitting in her office and its like your not really there..you hear what she is saying..you see her lips moving..but your not sitting there..your somewhere in a place where this is not really happening..not really changing your life and dreams. You tune back in..something along the lines of "I'm going to send you to a Dr. who knows more about this who I went through school with, she is great" and it all caught up to me.

What did she call it? What did she say? Whats wrong with me? How can this be? How can we fix this?...I smile..I remember that, because isn't that what your meant to do when someone is talking to you "helping" you...ARGH inside my head I was spinning, I wanted to cry, to scream. No husband in the waiting room..a bus ride home...alone. ARGH ARGH! I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. That this is whats making me not be able to get pregnant, that this is "different" than she has seen in other women (more on this later) She thinks I have a good chance at kids but would rather I see a dr who "knows more" (this has become a joke in my head), she says its ok...yeah..right.

Then I log on to my most favorite Social Networking site when I get home. There it is, its not the friends fault..its not..deep down in the land of reality that I'm still at that point not sure where its gone; I know its not..however it will forever be burnt in my head..the first email I open up to from a friend who was in my wedding, who has been married a year...A YEAR..guess what happens next....SHE'S PREGNANT!!!! I press delete..Ive never talked to her about her child since, never said congratulations, avoid it now. Not her fault, heck she doesn't even know I'm avoiding her..or if she does..has no idea why. And That's when I broke...I cried for a very long time with my head under the pillow that day. Until my Husband came home where I told him I didn't want to talk about anything.

Then the day that changed my look on *Doctors trying to help*. This wonderful lady she has sent me to is Blond, relatively attractive, tall, slim and has a huge diamond ring on her hand..no windows in this tiny tiny room..why is there no windows...maybe so no one tries to jump from them I later come to that conclusion. So she spends 10minutes with me, thats it that's all. She informs me I need to lose 80lbs before she will help me - yup right out of her mouth like that with out helping me figure out how. That Ill never have children, that she wont give me the med's I know I need in order to help side effects of this now STUPID crap hand Ive been dealt..to redo tests I have just done 2 weeks ago!!! Tests that were...leaving me feeling open to the world.

Mad, hurt, mad, overwhelmed..hurt..mad..spinning...I do what she asked make appointments for the tests, and to see her again. My mother is there..and a whole whack load of pregnant women I want to yell at, want to lash out at...but I walk out of the room. My mum stops to have a drink..she blames my mood on lack of food..And I just cant do it. I go to the public rest room and lock myself in while I cry harder then I think I ever had for a solid 15mins. I never go back..I didn't even call to cancel the appointments..I just never went.

Three months later the family dr has cornered me into coming into see her. Not her fault not her fault...keep repeating in my head..when I go to see her..it all comes out..I tell her my trauma, my anger my...hurt. She feels horrible..apologizes profusely over and over! Tells me she will never send another patient there again. Tells me she believes the other dr. is wrong, that she sees it differently..she gives me three months worth of pills to deal with some of the issues..tells me to come back in three months and we will talk about the next step.

Next step..well I avoided seeing her for a year and a half. Till one day..by chance, sitting in a park doing my job along comes - what is now one of the closest people in my life and friend - a girl and her puppy. I have no memory of what got us talking about it as I am a pretty shy person about this type of thing. And hadn't even talked about my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome with my best of friends or family. Only my husband knew. She had it too, had more knowledge than my $120 Chapters book store purchases of books on the subject, diets on the subject..it was the first time I had someone who could relate. I think she thought I was nuts.

She gave me a name of her dr..in the same facility as the demon spawn woman I had seen. I made a appointment with my family dr to get her to recommend me to the new Dr. Well in therory it all would have worked..I suppose had life not become busy and complicated..

I never did see the dr. My personal journey with this was now avoiding baby showers in abundance (to date I have never been to one) Ending friendships in many ways..once you tell me your pregnant I stop talking to you. You want me to come see the baby..yeah I think not..too busy? The kicker in all this...I work with children, yup the worlds cruel joke on me, I love kids that much. I work with infants to age 8 in general - babies being my favorite. I have childhood friends who have had kids and I just never see them...ever.

Then that amazing wealth of information changed me. After Christmas a year ago as I was planning the move into our dream house..new life...the girl in the park comes to my work to bring me a tea. Something is up btw, I know this and I think I know whats coming...15min and she leaves and I cry a little. But its different. My lucky friend is pregnant. And try and I might - she knows my schemes as she has the same ones - I cant push her away, showing up with tea, dropping in on teas with friends of ours, coming to places she knows Ill be. She sits me down..and has a frank talk with me..tells me I am stubborn, that she gets I'm scared, that I need to do this to make some steps to see someone who KNOWS what they are doing..she is right.

In the summer precious joy of joys was born. Three hours old and I held her in my arms..and was given permission to cry..I held it in..I said congratulations and it was meant. Then I got into the awaiting friends car and I cried. I wanted a baby, so amazingly perfect, so beautiful, so...amazingly amazing.

In the new dream home, looking at our forest, our beach, our life...things started to click. I didn't know HOW or when but things were going to change. Christmas came and my husband and I decided this is the year we end it with a child. If that child is adoption if that child is conceived it was going to happen.

Then before I told anyone, other than my amazing friend. My x boyfriends, a good friend, wife comes to me..karma..god works in mysterious ways. End of January. She tells me she will bring the forms to her evening job to get me to the fertility clinic - day job. In reality I had the appointment two weeks later for the fertility clinic, but in and out of the walk in I went.

A week into February I went for my first - of what seems to be many - at the Fertility Clinic..scary, worried, nervous my bad experience was going to happen all over again. Id been warned of things..and now the time was here. I was speaking to a man about personal business I speak to very very few about. He seemed intrigued at my wealth of knowledge and body experience. He apologised for the woman, and told me she was wrong..on all counts.

I asked out right, Are we here and were wasting time, or is this a option. He smiled and thanked me for being out right...and said "You have a very good chance of having a baby, but YOU (being me not my husband) has a lot of work ahead of you to make it work". Work I can do.

So some mortifing tests, some painful, lots of drugs for someone who doesn't put any in her body...and a light in a very long dark tunnel of darkness that's been my life for 6 years...

In the coming posts..Ill write about the tests, what I'm doing, what I'm not doing, frustration, tears, and such..Ill talk about previous tests, books Ive read, med's, web sites and maybe..share some good news at some point.

Stay tuned.