Side effects..

I wonder whats going on today...whats happened...

ONE: Ive missed three days of the thyroid med I am on...grumbles but tomorrow am back on it, thank goodness as its made me feel dizzy and ill not having been on it.

TWO: I'm craving sugar...the metformin is meant to take care of that..but there is nothing I want more than a Cadbury Cream egg right now..in fact like 8 of them..nom nom nom...however it can not be.

Starting another new med...antibiotic one time deal on Sunday..woohoo..and I must get on new vitamins..I did however work out at two separate gym classes last week and doing the same this week (uping it from one gym class and a wii exercise program and walking everyday) As well as a 5 km walk yesterday. Ryan thinks I'm pushing it...funny I don't think I'm doing enough.

Side effects...other then the pain I have mentioned I think before..which doesn't seem to faze my dr. But anyhow. My skin sucks...I don't know which med is doing it but it sucks..Ive never had a problem with acne..EVER...not as a teen not ever..people hated me for that and now...ugh...HATE IT. I don't know what to do...my Noxzema battle I hope kicks in soon!!!!

until next time..

Working out...

The before me, the one before January first of this year believed in swimming, fun v-ball games, off road Mt. biking and walking...and that was that...Jogging is beyond my comprehension...it baffles my brain as to why ANYONE puts themselves threw that crazy torture...and I might add that hasn't changed.

The now me..I have 6 days of "gym" activities (pool and classes) in my agenda, on top of walking a minimum of a hour a day if not more. I love the Aqua Zumba I'm in though my "pushing off" and not "stepping" is a problem..too many people in one little area of the pool someone is bound to be stuck treading into the deep end. Besides the point. Tonight I ventured into a sweaty gross work out of dance...sigh...I hate to sweat...its gross and I hate the feeling and the flushed tomato red my face gets when I'm working out..but this want that bad as they keep the lights off in the room, pretty awesome actually...but geez louise...my every things hurt! holy cow batman!!!

Tomorrow is Aqua Zumba..next week the same two things again until I introduce the carido dance class next month I think. May 6th there is a breast cancer fundraiser, three hours of "The grove" which is what I did tonight, Zumba and the cardio Dance...the old me would have shrugged at that and walked away...this new psycho me really wants to go take part..

Ill never be a runner, and I don't like Yoga or get it..But Step aerobic classes also on the horizon..things are started to look different.

14.3 lbs down and the genius diet Dr man believes its more like 30lbs of fat down because of the muscel gain it doesn't read the same. Three inches down..I need a new bathing suit..

H.

Sometimes it comes in a package you dont expect.

Title says it all... I want a baby in a diaper who needs me, NEEDS me to hold it, feed it, care and love it..I want a baby to dress and walk and love...I want a baby who can wear brown shoes with pink circles on them (shout out to Baby K) ;) But at the same time..the most important above all that...I want to be called "Mum" I want to hear it cross the lips of someone who means it not by a slip of the tounge, not by a "lets pretend your the mum". I want to hear it and feel it and hold it close..bottle it up and never let it go. And it doesnt matter if its a baby who learns or a child who needs it and grows it..and says it...I need to have a family..and its going to happen..and in any form or shape or..mix, I will have my dream. H.

Bad Dr. Day..

From now on we do not see the Fertility dr and the diet dr on the same day! New rule that's it that's all. So it started with the awful tests. I hate internal ultra sounds..hate hate hate..then to find out 45min later that the actual dr has been lying to me and I don't have to do them on the certain day they have been telling me I did..which is awkward and gross and ugh.. Then the ultra sound tech who was awesome. Told me what was what..first time ever I had someone who took the time to care and put it out there and tell me what the dark splotches were and why. More comfortable with her than the last few who have done it. Then up to Dr S, he means well I know he does, but he just DOESN'T get it. If I tell you I am in pain bad enough to make me throw up, to cry and almost go to the hospital that's big for me...big. But nothing from him. I want to say "excuse me dr. S here have my uterus and you F'n deal with not being able to move at all for a day or two"..not a reaction of "well we could put you on the birth control pill"...WTF..uhhh defeating the purpose who..jerk. But he isn't..he is nice..just doesn't get it. Off to the diet dr...yay for that one too. I'm already emotional and sad and frustrated..then I break down there with a great woman I like who helps me get back into a better mind set and onto the new week. Speaking of..5 weeks down 14lbs lost..WOOHOOOO! I'm going to say in a year I'm going to be a much different person if it keeps going like this. ok going to hide in bed...need to get over the day.

fell off the wagon.

I have to admit..I am a emotional eater..this weekend brings some hard times to our family..and I ate a few carbs and some sugars...But as I did it I caught myself..and stopped..so kinda bad kinda good..and at least Im admitting it..means a bike ride AND zumba tomorrow..no slacking..keep my mind busy too. H

Better week?

This week started off slow. Then I felt the need to dig my heels in and not make the weekend come at all. All round yet again life 100 Hillary 2. However. Diet dr this week went another good round. I have deeply figured out I do NOT like Greek yogurt and as I got the Costco size lot..another three days of it and then back to my blue label..just cant do it. yick! Made two new dinners this week..shrimp needs tweaking for sure from the recipe. Chicken will be good (Sunday Dinner). Meds..changing over to prenatal drugs this week. I'm almost out of the metformin but am hopping it all lasts till the next appointment in April. Mood..better than last week but dreading this weekend. Realized a handful of friends is all one needs and everyone else really aren't friends at all. Also be careful of who you trust..because rarely does anyone have your back totally and the few and far between are actually the ones who care. That's my deep thoughts...maybe they'll change over this weekend...right now..I'm just annoyed. H.

This Week.

This week has been less than stellar. I am always struck by peoples comments about the "emotional roller coaster" of weight loss or the better yet - as I cant do anything to help or change it - "the meds are making you feel this way".

Really this week has just been shit. I can say this, its my blog and its my ongoing journey and record of that journey so I can say that. So Ive been pretty emotional, yes, tears WAY yes, moody yup, snappy sure have. Why I don't know.

I know its been a week of memories from a year ago at this time...time of great loss...anniversaries of that ache in my heart..can I blame that...dunno...do I know its going to be a kinda sucky two weeks coming...probably..BUT..is it the cause..don't think so..really?

So back to it..I'm in pain..it doesn't seem to be taken seriously or at all abnormally for my dr..though I am bringing it up again in April when I go..its annoying and sometimes leaves me almost in tears. Tonight I was in so much pain I thought I was going to hurl.

So its been a week of crying, frustration, annoyance...and I ate a piece of a bread stick..small like a ounce worth of bread tonight...when I eat things which aren't on the list I get REALLY pissed off and mad at myself. Only made worse by it making me feel really ill by eating whatever it is I haven't had in a month or two now...so add ill on top of pain and you get really mad me.

Just frig it all. "its all worth it in the end" at first that mattered..I'm already doubting there is a worth it part for me...

time will tell..tomorrow is a new day..next week a new week...and on it goes..

H.